Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
37 entries this month
23:02 Aug 29 2010
Times Read: 845
This next bit of homework is going to be the longest stretch of the day.
The Course Project Part II is worth 15% of my final grade so I'm buckling down and getting it done.
I finished the paper on the jurisdictions but it took me forever looking through the Ohio Revised Code.
I have about sixteen news articles and video clips to go through for this project.
Its going to take me a long bit to get it done.
But my grade will be decent in my eyes after this paper no matter what. I just need to get this one done, completed, and out of the way.
After I do so, I can either do another paper (which I probably will or try to) or relax.
I'm out of Monsters. We don't really have the money for more at this point. I haven't really been eating but a bowl of froot loops and a sandwich and a half (turkey and cheese). That's it.
No snacks... not even healthy ones.
I can do this! I have awesome people supporting me. I have the information I need. It is just sorting through it all now.
I have the motivation and determination!
Thank you, Brett and Frankie most out of everyone! You two have been there through my bitching, complaining, whining, lost of temper, hopeless moments, and backing my ass up!
I don't know how much I would have succeed and fallen the past three years without you two.
I love you both.
♥
15:44 Aug 29 2010
Times Read: 854
One paper down at the moment. I finished it by ten like I wanted but I had to spend some extra time on doing my APA cites.
Brett is seriously trying to deal with Aurora today but she's being stubborn as usual. Currently, she's in the corner for two minutes for going to unplug the telephone again.
I'm listening to the short playlist of songs sent to me by my Frankie. ♥
Its helping me try to stay seated when Aurora does something wrong and Brett doesn't stop her as fast as he should.
Today is just going to be frustrating and I know it will be. I just have to continue to deal!
13:46 Aug 29 2010
Times Read: 858
God, let's try this again!
This is the first in a series of updates to come from me today.
Heck, whoever keeps up with my journal or has gotten close to me at some point or another... already understands that.
I've been up and working on my homework since six this morning.
Brett just "Aurora-proofed" my power bar and my computer as much as it can be done.
I love him and he's a trooper dealing with me!
I hope he knows how grateful I am for him helping me out as much as possible.
While setting up my computer, Brett accidentally switched my computer off causing me to lose a couple of sources I hadn't bookmarked yet, a fourth of my paper, and notes I had done in a Word document.
No biggie!
I've lost more than that each time Aurora has done it and I'm going to bounce back on this for me and no one else.
... Maybe Frankie...
LOL!
I have most of my stuff still prepared for my first paper to be completed. I'll probably have it done by ten o'clock.
Then will be my jurisdictions paper and following that will be my course project part II!
I don't think this past week would have been so hard on me if it wasn't for me being on my menstrual cycle. Dang it, I want off. I want to feel "normal".
Nine freakin' days. Nine!
I'm going to be a bit loony from nine days. I think any woman would be expected to be so.
I knew a woman who had her period for over 2 months and nothing was wrong!
Oh my gawd!
Could you imagine that?!
Getting back to homework now. I'll be around though.
04:34 Aug 29 2010
Times Read: 864
I have not gotten a paper done tonight. I don't plan to do so anymore. I need sleep. I am currently falling asleep here and there.
I had to clean my foot out. It seems like it has gotten a little bit infected but with Aurora stomping on it tonight from not wanting to eat, I'm not sure.
Now, although I have not started on my papers tonight... I do have something to back me up!
I have gotten almost all of the research completed tonight to get done with those four papers and another one.
I'm proud of that fact!
I've back up my bookmarks and things. I'm going to restart my computer properly to make sure all my settings and things are saved.
I'm excited for tomorrow though!
02:58 Aug 29 2010
Times Read: 871
Aurora switched off my power bar again causing me to lose my homework, my research, and what I had gotten done but not saved. The auto save feature did not work and it is turned on. A lot of my tabs and windows won't come up on my screen from Firefox, Chrome, and Internet Explorer. Each one had at least two things that were important. My bookmarks deleted somehow. System restore won't work to recover what I've lost.
I'm going to stay calm. I need to stay calm. I have to stay calm.
I can do this. I've had situations happen before that I've had to bolt through homework I've lost. Hell, it happened a lot when my dad was alive and I was in high school. I would wake up at 4:30 am just to get the rest of my homework completed and have time to get him something to eat if he wanted or if my mom was going to be late getting home from work. Things happened with my nephew where I had to put my homework on the back burner until last minute.
So as it stands... to get a decent grade in my own eyes, I have to get at least four papers researched, written, proofread, and turned in by tomorrow night.
Not that bad in all reality. She has changed the page count for some of them so that's great news for me.
I have four papers. Just four that I seriously have to get completed. Four. Four!
It definitely isn't that much! I know it isn't. Hell, I can probably get more done if my concentration can stay with me long enough and Aurora cooperate some.
One paper is on jurisdictions and has to be one to two pages.
Another paper is on gubernatorial powers and has to be three to four pages but I can get a passing grade with two if needed.
The third paper is on state politics without political parties and it has to be at least two pages.
And the last is my Course Project Part II, which has to be at least eight pages analyzing and detailing the situation with the schools in my area, what jurisdiction can do what concerning solutions, and so much more.
I have my work cut out for me but damn it, I know I can do this. I know I have people who support me. Hell, I know they would do the homework for me if I would let them but I refuse to do so.
It's my work and I'll be damned if I let them take it on for me!
I'm going ahead and getting on with it.
I've got a plan for the most part. I can get at least one paper done tonight before midnight, sleep until six or seven am and then start going again.
I'm going to try to get the paper on State Politics without Political Parties completed tonight. That's my choice.
And I have it planned for tomorrow where I can do my jurisdictions paper and it will help me get my eight page course project part II completed.
I can do this! I can! Damn it, if I have to get Brett to kick my ass, I will!
Ugh! I'm going to need some more energy drinks tomorrow. Too bad any other make me sick but the Monsters M80 or the Imports.
I already had my bowl of froot loops too so I'm gettin' going on this nightmare!
♥
And this is so I can get my ass in gear!
Right, remember;
Stay calm. You can do it and you know you can.
Don't rush; you'll only make mistakes.
Draw out diagrams, tables or comparison charts irl if you think it's gunna help you.
Take regular breaks; but don't slack.
Don't be scared to ask for Brett's help if you think he can help you in any way.
Keep distractions to a minimum and try to get really involved in your work.
Most importantly of all; keep your confidence and determination high.
Motivate yourself, reward yourself, be proud of yourself.
Whatever it takes, remember you can do it.
I love you, babe.
♥
x
22:59 Aug 28 2010
Times Read: 881
Is it bad or weird I've been living off of ice cream covered in chocolate syrup, Monster: Import, froot loops, and guzzling choco syrup when needed.
LOL!
Wow, at least I've been able to keep going.
=)
21:06 Aug 28 2010
Times Read: 885
I'm doing okay. I'm drinking Monster: Import, listening to music and trying to force my brain to understand the homework that I have to get finished.
I'm setting out to get at least two out of the way but hopefully the four that I have somewhat planned out.
The pain in the ass is finding the sources that I need that took me forever to find that Aurora deleted.
Ugh!
Yeah, getting back to it.
Thanks for the short playlist, Frankie! It's making a world of difference! ♥
My Reply.
14:00 Aug 28 2010
Times Read: 888
No fair. *pouts*
Hahaha! I love you, too.
I'm going to worry. I'm going to get scared. Hell, I'm probably going to end up hiding at some point or another.
I know you can take whatever I can throw and probably give me back some if I deserve it but that doesn't mean you should have to!
And I didn't know if it was appropriate or not last night either. I wanted to wait until I could think straight or you got a chance to read it. You know?
I'm not ashamed of my feelings for you either.
Frankie, I'll gladly put up with all your shit too. *nods* But yeah, I'm not quite sure either of us know what to do about the situation at the moment.
I'll try to be scared of something like that... but come on, it's a reasonable fear for me! ♥
Doll.
06:51:13 - Aug 28 2010
Times Read: 16
Right.
So I thought I would reply to your journal entry with my own, instead of a personal message.
Not sure if this is appropriate or not as far as you think, but I have nothing to say that I'm ashamed of
or doesn't deserve to be in here.
(Lol I almost wrote her there ^ it made me laugh xD)
Are you really afraid you'll hurt me?
Afraid I won't see that every damn inch of you is worth suffering much more than that?
There is absolutely nothing that you could inflict on me that would "scare me off" or hurt me in such a way that I would disappear from your life.
Whatever you can throw, I can take.
Maybe I can fix you some; I don't know yet.
I know that you're the one who has to "recover" or whatever but honestly I don't think you can do it all on your own.
You may be stubborn as hell but when you're lost and you don't know what to do, it's the people in your life who can pick you back up again.
I just thought I'd let you know that I'm not about to leave you hangin' or freak out or get scared on you.
I love you to absolute damn pieces and it kills me that I can't be there for you in any more than words.
You are an true babe and you've helped me through a lot.
I suppose that means that you have to put up with my shit too then, doesn't it?
All the "baggage" that I supposedly have -- just like you.
I don't know what we can do about any of this, but don't you ever be scared of something like that, ever again.
♥
04:44 Aug 28 2010
Times Read: 891
I've just spent the past 30 minutes, probably longer, crying over something that would be considered silly by some and others not so much.
I'm completely in love with a girl. She knows it. The feelings are returned. We've have never met face to face... and she lives in another country.
We started chatting about relationships today because of me opening my mouth about it.
Curiosity killed the cat!
I adore this woman. She inspires me.
Anyway neither of us can really see where much would change between us. We already know nothing can hurt the friendship we have. We're not worried about losing it.
We are both in other relationships with guys.
I don't even know how this would begin to work.
I've written about my past on here before. I've mentioned it. Most of it involves another female.
And there was a incident that happened when I was about six years old where I got the shit beat out of me with a mining belt for making out and exploring bodies with another girl. I never got to see her again.
I'm scared I'm going to disappoint this woman. I'm scared to death I'm going hurt her. She's already had enough to deal with and I don't want to be another thing on the list of worries to weigh her down or anything like that.
I can see possibly getting jealous of the guy she's with because he has gotten to meet her. Silly situation... I doubt I would but it is a possibility.
I love her and I know I do.
If I do this, I risk a lot of negativity from my family. I know it wouldn't be my whole family. Heck, they can't even say they didn't know and it's a shock because I was honest about my sexuality when I was 17 years old.
I can't ever regret that.
Three days before my daddy passed away, I came out of the closet. I needed his support and words.
I still hang on to them even now.
I regret never giving a relationship with Courtney a chance. I really do. It is one of the two things in my life that I do regret.
What makes this woman worth the risk and Courtney wasn't?
So much is the same... I mean, seriously... it is almost exactly the same.
I want this. I want to be with her. We've talked about living close together or in the same house and everything like that.
She knows about my past.
Brett said since she does know... if she's willing to take the risk, then it really isn't my call to make.
But I don't want to hurt her. I know my flashbacks and nightmares will always be there. I know I'll never fully heal from my past but damn it, I don't want to make someone else deal with it.
That is a choice I can make!
I feel like I'll be a burden. I feel like I'm going to disappoint her. I feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm damaged. Like I'm ignorant in so many ways because I'm not sure I can handle this.
I want to say one step at a time and deal with it one day at a time as things come up... but I know my past will come up. I know it. I know some of the issues that will be there. God, so much shit.
I know she would help me through it. I can't see her running away from it.
But I'm scared to death I'm going to do, say, or not do something and it is going to send her away running as far as she can get from me crying her eyes out.
I just, I don't know. I want to do this and yet, I'm terrified. I can't really see anything bad coming from it and neither can she... I mean, other than me seeing my past hindering it a lot.
I know I'm being silly about some of this... about worrying about it. And yet, I can't help it.
Why should she have to deal with this? With my worries, my fears, my stupid circle reasoning, and everything else...
She shouldn't have to!
That's my opinion.
04:07 Aug 26 2010
Times Read: 897
Do I have to really announce who I am with or love in my kismet?
I mean, I can understand writing in your journal about it... but announcing it every time you update your kismet or even log in seems childish.
I don't care if you love so and so. I don't give a shit. I don't even know them so why would I care?
In fairy tales, it is custom for the prince to announce their undying love for the princess or damsel in distress.
But come on, no one uses a little bit of imagination anymore!
And it really seems pointless when it comes down to people who change from person to person every week, month, or every few months.
God, in all reality, I still can't believe I was ever with Tony. Now that I'm getting better... it just seems so wrong. He and I were never right for each other. We were completely wrong together. I won't and can't say it was a mistake. When it comes down to it, I needed to go through everything to get where I am today.
=)
I'm proud of where I'm at even though I'm still struggling.
17:34 Aug 25 2010
Times Read: 909
I've been drawing the past week or so and picking it back up quickly. I'm happy with how most of my "doodles" look. I won't call them art yet but I'm doing good with it.
Great news is it is helping me cope with my nightmares and anxiety. *smiles* However, trying to find time to draw while dealing with Aurora is hard if not impossible.
So I've only been able to draw late at night or in the morning.
I've been trying to make time for my homework too. Aurora did something about 30 minutes ago to completely delete my paper on land use and eminent domain. I love her to bits but dang it, I have to get frustrated when I don't get a break.
Brett and I have talked about this...
It's been a long time coming. I'm jealous and it's getting bad. I don't get any breaks and my so-called breaks involve still keeping an eye on her, correcting her, and reprimanding her. How is that any kind of real break?
I love Brett. I love Aurora. But I need some time without dealing with either of them.
I want a break from my daughter.
I hate saying that because it makes me feel like the most horrible mother ever.
But I'm human... I want away, just for a little bit.
Brett gets to escape the apartment at least three days a week. He gets time to himself and gets to zone willingly and unwillingly both.
What about me?
I can't even go to the bathroom by myself three times out of five. Nothing of mine is left alone because she is always around me, always near me, and always learning from me.
During the ten minutes it has taken me to write this damn entry, she has unplugged my keyboard from my computer four times out of her jealousy of me being on it.
Ten minutes! Ten!
All I wanted was a chance to vent... I asked for ten minutes of her watching Wubbzy, eating her snack and/or playing with toys.
I can't get that.
I'm either cleaning, dealing with her, or trying to do something I want/need to do while watching and still interacting with her.
Ugh! I'm going to be insane by the time she starts school!
At least I have gotten a good bit done today with the cleaning. She and I have been playing with the Elefun game. She has been in the corner three times which I guess considering everything isn't that bad.
I want to finish my drawing I've been working on for the past two days.
She's not even tired or somewhat tired... no way in hell she'll nap today... well not yet. I've been trying so hard to wear this child of mine out but with my foot (her poking it, stepping on it and occassionally jumping on it) its kind of hard.
Cat food mess. Later!
22:10 Aug 24 2010
Times Read: 921
Time for the truth to come to light about my fall.
I was making Aurora eggs, she was sitting in a chair watching me and I went to get the ketchup from the fridge. I got it, went to turn and... cramp!
Down I went.
My right foot went underneath me at a really odd angle. Aurora heard the noise. She was crying and saying "I'm sorry. I sorry. Me bad." and things along those lines. I felt horrible about it.
When I got my foot from under me is when she started pointing and saying "dink" over and over again.
The bone right behind my middle toe broke and the bone was sticking out of the skin.
Aurora freaked more than me. I remained in the kitchen to get her eggs done and continued to get her in her highchair. I kept explaining to her about how mommy got hurt when I fell and that it was kind of like when she needed to go to the hospital to get her head looked at and stitches.
Well... got her in the highchair and she was eating... and watching.
I washed my hands, cleaned the area up, and began pushing the bone back in while whimpering and trying to feel it "set in place."
I've done it before on animals and my toes. Never a bone on myself other than the toes.
I'm taking Ibuprofen for the pain and so it keeps it at the point of no swelling.
No big deal. I'll be okay. I admit I was downplaying the situation but I made it until Brett got home and even after.
I've cried when setting the bone and when I had Brett check it to make sure it was lined up right.
He's worried about it actually breaking from the fall... however, like I explained to him it could be from my bones in my feet being deformed. The doctor who preformed my surgery on my heel cords believed the bones in my feet... some of them had fused together and became deformed from me walking on my toes for so long.
I was really self conscious about my feet sticking out when walking or standing. He explained to my mom and me how the bones most likely were. He explained how they could break all the bones in my feet and put them in cast but there was absolutely no guarantee of it actually working.
Sad thing is... I would still go through that to have a chance at walking normally, with my feet in.
Anyway... I'm debating about doing dishes and clothes. I need to get a load of clothes started for sure.
Laters.
14:39 Aug 24 2010
Times Read: 927
Thank god today is Brett's short day and he's already coming home.
I hate this time of the fuckin' month. A cramp in my leg caused me to have a pretty nasty fall.
Aurora's eating eggs and ketchup. She's actually sitting in her high chair for me cause my foot is bleeding.
At least it isn't too bad?
I'm probably going to have to stay off of it today though.
Good news is it will give me time to do my homework. Bad news is I hit my head and it has bled a little. It's not bad either though. I already took Ibuprofen and I'm sitting.
I'll be fine. I'm a tough cookie!
=)
22:07 Aug 22 2010
Times Read: 933
I so cannot believe DF is estimated to be in third place in the favor race thing. I'm so proud.
Brett got me a couple of things today to help me with my hobbies. *blushes* Frankie, I got more to show you, babe! ♥
I haven't been sleeping good at all. Last night I was screaming in my sleep and Brett had problems waking me up. I was terrified to go to bed afterwards.
I hate this. I hate night terrors, nightmares, and just watching memories of the past play on the black velvet of night.
The air just seems so thick to me with misery and I want to learn to cope with what has happened... and to move on.
Remember it, but move on.
I have homework I really need to complete. This is my last week. I have plans for my time off. I want to learn a lot of new things and get back to "my roots" on some others.
I have eight assignments left. I haven't been able to get much done from everything.
So my plan for the rest of the day is as follows:
-Who Solves Problems Best? DF
-Local Jurisdictions Research Paper
-Land Use & Eminent Domain Analysis
-Homeland Security & Local Law Enforcement Costs Research Paper
♥ Later people. I need to get on with my homework.
The 21st of August
05:08 Aug 21 2010
Times Read: 942
Today is going to be a hard day for me. It is the one year passing of my Grandmother and the very first one of Courtney's birthdays without her alive.
I'm not going to be talkative.
I'm probably going to try to do homework today and earn favors for my coven for the race.
Maybe this is one reason why I was so willing to enter my coven into the race.
Distractions.
*shrugs*
I don't know.
04:10 Aug 18 2010
Times Read: 956
Over two hours in the emergency room with Aurora. Once my mother came back to the room, they put a rush on my daughter.
We went with my mother to a small festival type thing. Aurora had an absolute blast and was loving it. She went on the turn-a-bout ride and a kiddie ferris wheel but didn't like them. She absolutely loved the swings and the cars. *nods* She had fun.
We still have enough tickets for her to go back for three more rides.
But...
My mom got settled down to watch her and them to eat and listen to music. While they were eating, Brett and I went on two rides together.
When getting done and coming back to my mother, we saw she was rocking Aurora in her arms and trying to look at her forehead.
We went over.
Turned out Aurora had just fallen.
She was dancing to the music and really hyper. She fell and busted her head open on the park bench.
Right above her left eye, on the eyebrow she gashed her head open about an inch wide and pretty deep.
Brett grabbed her and we went looking for the EMTs who were there at the festival. We didn't see them so we asked the police officers who were right there. The one woman EMT was there behind them talking to someone at a stand.
She took a look at Aurora. She said it looked like she needed stitches but if I wanted she could try to clean it up and put some gauze on it.
Nope, sorry, we have insurance for a reason. This situation called for it.
Brett and Aurora went ahead to the hospital in an ambulance and my mother and I had to get to the car and followed to the hospital to meet them.
It was over an hour and a half wait even though there was only ONE PATIENT when we got there and the person was not in any kind of critical condition with how the nurses were acting.
Trying to keep Aurora from getting too upset and scared while throughout the wait was a challenge. For about an hour and ten minutes it was Brett and myself trying to keep her busy and distracted. We couldn't keep her calm anymore. I went out to the waiting room to get my mother.
Once she came back to the room, the doctor looked at Aurora about twenty minutes later.
Now, for those of you who don't know... my mother retired from this hospital less than a year ago. She got her BSN, was a registered nurse and also was charge nurse most of the time on her shift in the unit she worked.
These people know her.
Twenty minutes... that's it after over an hour.
Well, doctor said she had to get stitches. We had two options. We could have had them fight her to get a cream on a cotton ball in the wound for twenty minutes... or just get it done and over with.
Whichever we chose, she still had to get a
S...H...O...T
So we decided to get it done and over with. Less traumatic on her in our opinion.
They got assembled. They came in and got a board out to strap her down... and it started.
My mother feels so bad. While they gave Aurora three stitches with my mom and I trying to calm her down, my mother started tearing up.
I feel horrible that my mom is feeling guilty.
I tried to tell my mom I didn't want to go on rides. I told her Brett could go on a couple and Aurora could use my tickets. She insisted.
Aurora hasn't even learned to be careful. She almost fell off the hospital bed a couple of times and wouldn't stay still for anything in the world.
Now that it is all said and done with... I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like crying my eyes out. I feel like I'm going to break down.
I'm exhausted. My poor baby girl is even more exhausted than anyone.
The nurses got upset with me for taking a picture of her head to show her what her "boo-boo" looked like and where it was.
... It calmed her down. It helped her to understand why her head was hurting.
Screw 'em. I think she needed to see what it looked like. She was just saying... "Oh gosh. Ouch. Poor baby. Owie."
No tears over seeing it. The tears lessened from seeing it until the doctor started giving her the shot to numb the area some.
*sighs*
We gave her Motrin for the pain, she had some food and a sippy, and she was just laid down for bed.
I'm scared of sleeping but I can't stay awake. Brett's going to be checking on her tonight since when I take my medication tonight, I'm going to be hard to wake up from everything today.
I may find my card reader tomorrow to post the picture of her head before the stitches. I'll get one tomorrow if she'll let me for her to see later on and to see after taking it what the doctor did.
At least the doctor was nice. She explained things to Aurora as best as she could.
Night.
15:16 Aug 17 2010
Times Read: 963
So excited! Classes for next quarter are as follows:
Cybercrime And Digital Forensic Tools
Microeconomics
Computer Forensics For The First Responder
I'll admit it, I'm scared crapless that I will fail. But I'm not going to let myself. This is what I want. Me.
I'm going to keep on getting better. I'm going to keep on pressing forward.
The only person who can decide how many stars I'm going to catch in my life is me. No one else. Just me!
Yes, I'm sure I'll have setbacks. Afterall, less than two years ago, I was considered borderline agoraphobic.
On last Wednesday, Aurora and I walked three blocks to my mother's house by ourselves while Brett was in his classes.
That's a big accomplishment!
I'm proud of myself.
But I know I can do this!
Oh, and even though there are two weeks left to my State and Local Government course... I have a total of eight assignments left for the whole thing.
=)
I'm happy about it. I've been working ahead.
Now, just to find the time to get my homework done during this favor race contest.
LOL! Yes, I actually am trying to find time for both.
04:34 Aug 16 2010
Times Read: 972
Unblocked both ways. My word was kept.
Yay!
Drunkness.
Ummm... yeah. I love Brett and Frankie!
22:16 Aug 15 2010
Times Read: 982
I'm putting this here for whatever... LEGION is blocked my me now but only because they blocked me first.
The only thing I had done was read the journal entry the person had written. I was not causing drama or anything else of the like. I don't care for drama and I don't do it.
I'm placing this here so that my friends who are friends with this person can go ahead and downrate me or block me or whatever if they want.
I'll remove my block, if they remove theirs.
Simple enough.
I don't even give a crap about the ones they gave me on my profile and portfolio. They can stay.
=)
21:20 Aug 15 2010
Times Read: 985
Waiting to hear when the start of the favor race is...
Ugh! I need to go ahead and do homework until it starts or there's information on it.
I'm kind of disappointed that there is no news at all on it.
03:09 Aug 14 2010
Times Read: 997
Today Brett got a little bit of a taste of what I've been doing. He got to deal with Aurora by himself for the most part... except when she did something that could hurt her and would not listen to him.
I don't know if I irritated him by trying to correct his own behavior. He says that I didn't but it sounded like I did. I'm not entirely sure.
We're thinking about switching to Comcast as a telephone, internet, and possibly television service. We don't have cable right now but we all miss it. I know I want basic for Aurora at the very least.
I got something today for myself and Brett. It's to keep me sane through trying to work things out with him and trying to correct so many behaviors of Aurora's.
I got Starcraft II. *smiles* I'm excited about it... like seriously excited. I can't wait to play it.
But conditions are I have to get my homework done before I can even open the box and Brett has to improve on things before he can.
I got a deck builder kit for him to teach me Magic: the Gathering. It's so that we can spend time together after Aurora goes to bed at night.
And I got a sketch book for me and a posing model.
=)
We didn't spend that much. I feel bad about spending the money but we needed these things and wanted them. Heck, the money won't do us any good if we can't even get along anymore.
I'm content. I'm doing homework right now. I'm irritated with myself more than anything.
Honestly, I'm debating about making Brett take my computer back to my desk in our bedroom even though it'll kill my back...
And then one the days he has class, bring it back down to the coffee table for me.
*blushes* It would let me get more homework done without getting interrupted all the time!
I don't know.
It seems foolish to me.
♥
Later.
15:19 Aug 12 2010
Times Read: 1,005
Yesterday was something else. Aurora peed in the "big people's potty" for the first time! Woot!
As a reward she got two stickers, a walk over to Mama's house, and four stickers so we could each have one.
♥
I feel like crap this morning though. I'm not even sure if Brett got out of here on time for his classes.
>.>
It shouldn't depend on me waking him up though. He should be able to get up, damn it.
But I'm a little irritated at the moment. I was supposed to go to a sale at a grocery store with my mom where meat is on sale. Brett has my car and so she was going to take me and Aurora. However, my stepdad is going to have the car.
So blah. LOL! I'm okay with it though. I wish I would have knew earlier before I woke Aurora up and fought her to get her downstairs. I mean, heck, she didn't want to get up and now that she is up, she'll stay up.
And me? I'm tired as hell. I didn't sleep well last night.
So what am I doing today? Probably homework, cleaning, playing with Aurora, cooking, and SPP.
Oh, how exciting my life is!
But at least the stress levels are down some... so maybe I shouldn't complain.
16:31 Aug 11 2010
Times Read: 1,012
I am trying to turn the day around. It may have started out as a bad day but there's no reason it has to stay a bad day.
Aurora and I are figuring out something for lunch for after her nap. I'm doing clothes. I'm playing SPP here and there. She has been watching her favorite cartoons on repeat. *Please save me! The Lost Bunny can only get lost so many times.*
I'm planning on doing some of my homework while she naps and possibly getting dishes washed. I put away the ones Brett never did.
He went to class, of course.
I'm debating about giving him a dose of my days. Last night he even admitted to the fact it would drive him insane.
What do I do all day?
Hmm...
Take care of Aurora while trying to keep her out of things.
Get beat up by her for everything I tell her no on or contradict what she believes to be true.
Play games here and there.
Surf the internet when I can.
Watch movies over and over again on Aurora's choice.
Cook.
Clean.
Do homework.
Not very much else. I want to change that though. I seriously want to pick up my hobbies again... a lot of them.
I got a book recently for one of them but I'm not going to say what until I'm decent at it by my own standards.
=)
I want to start doing a lot more but I don't even know where to start.
Right now, I'm settling for doing a couple of chores, getting through most of my friends list on SPP, talking to a couple of friends, and trying to find a little bit of time for myself.
Even my time on SPP has been invaded by Aurora.
*sighs* I feel like I'm losing it but I'm still okay. I know I can continue to get better. I need to hold on to but not smother that determination and motivation.
Later.
15:10 Aug 11 2010
Times Read: 1,015
Brett's being a real dick today.
I've had to fight him for over three hours to get him up. I couldn't get him to put some clothes on so I could bring Aurora downstairs. He's been snappy.
And I made one smart ass comment.
One.
"Why should I let you drive my car to class, when you've treated me like shit all morning?"
I don't even know if he heard it all the way. But I guess he wants to prove something or another because he has stated he's not going.
I just want some damn peace.
I want to not have to fight him for over 30 minutes to get him up and moving.
I want him to do things he says he's going to do without having to "nag" him over and over.
I just want things to change.
08:40 Aug 11 2010
Times Read: 1,017
I first woke up around 1:30 am from nightmares. I ended up playing a little bit of SPP while looking around VR. I took and failed the Acolyte test too. I know I shouldn't take it when my anxiety levels are high but eh, it was there and I was tempted because of the beta testing. I got a 75% on it. I'm not upset about it.
Anyway, fell back asleep while surfing SPP and woke up from a worse nightmare. *sighs* I ended up taking care of some pets and finally going to get a shower. My skin is red, my arms, legs, and belly are hurting. I did the OCD scrub thing I haven't done in a while. I feel a little bit better now but I still feel dirty as sin.
I'm scared of going back to bed.
I'm scared of staying up by myself.
I'm trying to distract myself.
I'm watching Scary Movie 4. I'm drinking some cold kool-aid. I'm doing SPP.
I wanted to write this entry in case I don't remember getting the shower when waking up.
It has happened before. Heck, it happened a lot while I was in Nashville.
I'll be fine.
Yesterday, I had a really bad flashback. I couldn't see Brett as himself at first. I can't honestly say that the typical trigger was the trigger this time. I wish I could tell him for sure.
I feel as though I owe it to him... Yes, I know I don't owe him explanations but I feel like I do. I feel guilty for freaking out and having an anxiety attack. I feel horrible for not being able to let him touch me to comfort me. I just feel guilty about it. I feel ashamed of my past and I'm not sure if I'll ever not feel that "dirty feeling" during intercourse, foreplay, innocent touches, or whatever the hell else.
I did something that I'm not sure was the best thing to do. Well, to ask him to do. My therapist suggested it and it has been suggested by other people who have had similar experiences to me.
When a flashback starts and I can't "come back" from it... let the situation safely progress so I can.
My fear went out the window and I stopped feeling like I was going to be punished for enjoying the feelings and sensations.
God, I need to go back to bed. I went to sleep a little past 11 o'clock. I shouldn't be awake right now... especially when Brett has class in the morning.
*goes to play SPP until sleep invades her*
Oh and two days ago, I repierced my ears. Aurora tried to pull them out today at the same time. She pulled so hard that the backing came off and the one ear started to bleed. I have the earrings out now to let the swelling go down. If all else fails, I'll let them close up and repierced them again.
20:44 Aug 09 2010
Times Read: 1,032
Thanks to Brett finishing up things on early Friday morning, we passed inspection. The guy only had a couple of complaints. Complaint #1: he suggests we downsize some of our things. Complaint #2: There is a mild cat smell in the living room from the cleaning product I used to get the kool-aid stain from Aurora out.
I'm getting on the lease and my kitties get to stay. I'm really happy about it.
Now... I'm frustrated. It's Monday and the inspection was on Friday, right? Well, Brett hasn't really been keeping his junk cleaned up. It's pissing me off. Either he's going to do it or not. I'm tired of this crap.
I have last week's homework and this week to get finished. I plan on having it done by the weekend.
My car kind of died... the radiator fan wasn't working at all and my engine was overheating to the point it was stalling. I asked Brett twice if he had checked the fuse. I should have just done it myself.
It was blown. That's the only thing that is wrong. Thank god.
I can't stop stressing over everything. Its like I can't shut my brain and worries down for some odd reason. I was doing so much better and I don't know what happened.
I know I need to quit having a drink of alcohol here and there until I get it sorted out. I hate that though. I spent like $12 yesterday on the Zombie drink that has Bacardi 151 in it. I love the taste!
I need to find my card reader for my camera memory card. I want to upload some pictures on here.
There are some things coming up in the next year that are going to take some money and a lot of effort on our part. The great news is once it is done, no one can take it from me... including Brett.
=)
Peace of mind kind of thing with me.
I'm a little nervous from our lease almost being up here. It ends in October. I'm not sure if the woman will renew it in a less than a year contract.
Brett just took in our cans to the recycling place for the outcome to go into the saving jar. Its not much but it is something. There's times we have over $8 worth so yippee! It saves us some here and there.
I'm trying to find a can crasher and can't. It's been driving me insane.
Yet I just found them on Amazon.com. Damn, I should have thought of there to begin with.
Sometimes I'm not the brightest girl in the world. I doubt I even sparkle.
But yeah, there's the update of my life, I guess. It is such a relief that I can keep Ma-ma and Shadow Dancer. They're both females. Ma-ma is fixed but Shadow Dancer isn't. The vet recommended we didn't get her fixed because the stress would be too much on her from where she was abused so much.
I'm debating about getting a shower when Brett gets back but I'm not sure. I want to but don't care to. It'll make me feel better.
We have to go out today because we have another woman interested in one of the 2 month old kitten. We have two left and Prissy, the five month old.
We can't find Skids, Rosco, Fatty, and Gemini. I'm freaking out about it because I love my kitties so much. I think Skids and Rosco are together. I think they may be trying to find their way home. I just want them safe, even if they are not with us.
I want my Skidders and Rosco. I'm sure Fatty McFatFat and Gemini can take care of themselves if they haven't found a home already. But Skids and Rosco are the cuddle-buddies.
I'm going to stop typing before I start crying. Later.
My Response to Sexy's Journal about the USA PATRIOT Act
22:20 Aug 06 2010
Times Read: 1,047
I had to do several papers and discussions on the USA PATRIOT Act. I actually like the act and I'm glad it was approved. Law enforcement agencies still have to get warrants and have a system of checks and balances. If you're the average Joe American, you have nothing to worry about. The way the law enforcement agencies are alerted to possible terrorist activities is from key words and actions. Such as someone being "watched" or looked into for checking out books at a public library on biological weapons or making bombs.
The normal person will NOT set off these alerts. There was a doctor in my mom's hospital that was caught thanks to the USA PATRIOT Act. He was planning on bombing the hospital after releasing a biological weapon. I was in Nashville at the time. Do you know how happy I am that his research on so many KEY standards triggered the FBI and local police departments into acting.
I would gladly give up some civil liberties. Remember the goal of a government is to protect the overall population of said country. It was not just in response to 9/11 but that's what it is known for by most people because a majority of it centers on that purpose. Yes, it did pass quickly and that alone was partially due to the terrorist attacks.
I absolutely agree with it though. There are checks and balances to make sure the powers are not abused. It is not every day a police department gets permission to use ultra sensitive eavesdropping devices or other costly measures. You still have to get permission granted to invoke the powers granted by it. I do believe it is a good thing though.
PRIVATE ENTRY
08:57 Aug 06 2010
Times Read: 1,049
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
02:20 Aug 06 2010
Times Read: 1,054
My mom and stepdad are lifesavers. Aurora tore up a pull-up after she peed in it and smeared the gel stuff in it all over the living room and her room. Walls and carpet.
We're only allowed to use the vacuum and steam cleaner between 8 in the morning and 8 in the evening.
It was just after I scrubbed the carpet in the living room too!
Ugh!
I'm going insane. My legs are hurting badly. I can't think straight for the most part. My hands are numb and the skin is rough from the cleaning stuff I've been using. Heh, my chest hurts from breathing it in so much but I couldn't find my masks so yeah...
30 minutes before 8, I called my stepdad and they took Aurora for us.
I'm so grateful for it.
And in the morning, they're going to take her for this inspection so that... heaven forbid... she would have an accident or do this again, I'll have a LITTLE BIT of time to get it cleaned for this dude who is coming.
I'm probably going to be so dead tired tonight, I won't be able to wake up in the morning.
The time has been changed. Its 9-9:30 in the morning now instead of 10-11 am. I wish it stayed the same time so if she played in shit or something, I could get it excellently cleaned up.
Whether I can still keep Ma-ma and Shadow Dancer depends on this damn inspection and how it goes.
I'm tired of this crap. I won't be living here if I can't have my two cats. I won't. I made promises to them and I have the documents to get the approved.
Ugh! I hate the one woman who lives by us. She said a whole bunch of crap that was not true.
What the hell... all because we didn't lend them money when we didn't have it. We lent them money when they needed it before and shit.
God, what is it with people?
I think tonight, I'm sleeping with my rosary closer than usual.
I just want to get some sleep. Relax and watch a horror movie.
But nopers, I got more to do.
Earlier we have to pay bills and yesterday there was a horrible storm. It tore down three huge radio towers I've seen since I was so much younger. We saw them today. It is unbelievable.
But anyway...
I have to do this much tonight with the help of Brett.
1. Get sorted through the rest of the things in the kitchen.
2. Mop the kitchen floor (spilled water and also cleaning stuff and didn't get it all up).
3. Mop the bathroom floor.
4. Wipe the sink, stove, fridge, and toaster down, and wash the wall behind the stove.
5. Mop the floor in the storage room with a little bit of bleach water in the one spot.
6. Scoop kitty litter. Done twice a day, every day.
7. Sort through the rest of the laundry room.
That's it. That's all I have left.
Oh forgot to add dust the hallway light fixture and the televisions.
Ugh!
But that's it.
I want to sleep. Please? Pretty please?
04:16 Aug 05 2010
Times Read: 1,064
I said someone's name while having some private fun.
I feel kind of weird.
It was awesome though.
I feel much better and I've started back up again with more motivation.
Yes, Frankie, I'm still up when you went to bed hours ago.
=)
I got the hamster bubble tubes sorted out. A couple were broken. I'm getting the storage room sorted through. I have a box and a bag of trash from shredding papers and junk. I have clothes in the dryer and washer. I'm getting done with as much as I can tonight.
Brett's early class was canceled, which it was canceled on Tuesday too. He's going to try to leave a little early from his five hour one. That way I can get some help or at least him watching Aurora.
God, I've been really sick from my anxiety today. I've puked about six or seven times. I've had the craps eight times. The last three times, it's been nothing but liquid. I'm running a fever. I'm hoping it isn't anything but my anxiety and the heat/humidity doing it to me.
I can't quit now though. I have down here to get completed. I have the storage room halfway completed. I have the kitchen about two/thirds done. I have clothes sorted and ready to be washed from bringing them in and crap. And the living room is the main concern and the only real problem area. That's because it is where Aurora tears up the most other than her room and sometimes the hallway.
I'm tired.
Hehe! I'm plotting against Frankie though so its all good! ♥
I'm hoping to get more done and out of the way. So later and maybe I'll get to bed by midnight or one. LOL!
20:18 Aug 04 2010
Times Read: 1,069
Updated list I need to get done. It's more for myself than anyone.
So what I have left of the kitchen to do is sort through a couple of small boxes (one has hamster bubble tubes in), wipe the sink, stove, fridge, and toaster down, wash the wall behind the stove from us cooking last night, and mop the floor. Brett needs to do the dishes from today if he's up to it when he gets home and take out the trash.
For the bathroom, wipe the tiles down of the shower, mop the floor, and organize the things in the cabinet under the sink. Small things.
For the living room... I need to vacuum up Cheerios from today where Aurora decided to throw them everywhere, sort through my homework things under the coffee table, have Brett help me move furniture, and scrub the carpet.
Laundry room, I need to get two or three loads of clothes finished. I'm folding and putting away clothes as I go and also trying to figure out if Aurora can wear things or not.
The storage room needs the most sorting out. I need to get in there and find the clothes for the consignment shop which I'm thinking of putting them in the yard sale instead. I need to also organize the holiday things and whatnot. Ugh! Some of Aurora's bigger toys are in there until she plays with them... including her easel.
Our bedroom needs the carpet scrubbed from me dropping an ashtray by accident and it getting spread throughout the room. Like it smells like ashes. Yuck!
But that's pretty much it. I should be able to get it all completed and sort through it all.
The main obstacle is Aurora not listening and also trying to help me. She doesn't understand I don't have the time to try to be patient. I'm happy she's trying but still it's frustrating.
*sighs* Getting more cold water to drink and going to get started on the kitchen again.
♥
18:31 Aug 04 2010
Times Read: 1,071
I have the kitchen to the halfway point of what I've been wanting. The only two problems are Aurora is being unreasonable and I feel like I'm going to puke. My anxiety has been heightened lately and it's mostly because of the neighbor causing problems for us.
I feel as though I'm going insane. Aurora will not sleep at night and will not take her nap today. She didn't go to bed until about three o'clock in the morning and she was up at seven o'clock ready to go.
I'm grateful for the shower I got to sneak in this morning while Brett was down here getting ready for class and Aurora was eating breakfast.
This is getting rediculous. I'm too scared to go to the bathroom without Aurora even or anything else. I won't go upstairs or downstairs, unless she is with me. Ugh! Stupid neighbor. I'm paranoid insanely. I don't even know how to explain it all. I just want to hide from them. I want to lock myself in this apartment and not go outside so I wouldn't have to deal with the woman.
One thing went wrong, Aurora knocking her screen out and the way they've been talking to other people it's like they are trying to make it seem like everything is worse than anything got ever be.
I'm probably not making sense. I tried getting Aurora to take a nap by sitting in front of her door on the inside of her room and trying to get her to lay down. I ended up having to ignore her for 30 minutes thinking she would get bored with kicking me and everything.
I was wrong...
Really wrong.
I can't wait for Brett to come home.
15:44 Aug 04 2010
Times Read: 1,072
I have a lot to get done today and tomorrow. I'm so glad I've gotten a lot of things completed but I need to just suck it up and get it over with completely. Its not that I'm being lazy about it or anything. Its that right now I'm getting splatter bruises all over my body from taking all of this on and my body just wants to quit. But I don't. I want to get as much done as I can today.
I'm happy that I got a shower this morning. I really needed one. The past three days of nothing but cleaning, one night of drinking with a Frankie, and yesterday evening nothing but scrubbing. My arms and just my body in general is wanting to roll over and at least play dead.
LOL!
Not much longer. Seriously.
Then this weekend is dedicated to homework. Once that is done and up to par, I want to take Frankie up on the offer of teaching me how to play my acoustic guitar. ♥♥♥
Later people, got to get started on things.
♥ Frankie & Tiffy ♥16:11 Aug 03 2010
Times Read: 1,109
So I got some pictures of last night's drunkness! ♥
Hahahaha! Us licking each other!
The look!
... I call it "whore"
But maybe it should be "net whore"
ROFLMAO!
I needed last night. I forgot to save so many screenshots. And also most are not appropriate for VR and not sharable.
So ha!
Be jealous! LOL!
06:03 Aug 03 2010
Times Read: 1,114
Frankie,
Thank you so much. I really needed tonight. I amm still drunk and things so I can't find your screen name on my friends list. However since I will be posting pictures of us on cam with each other, no harm done. Huh?
I love you so much. I'm sure we both understand where the other is coming from when saying that. I hope us spending the night together having fun and stuff helped you as much as it did me. Tonight has been a serious blast. At least I have a few pictures to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
Hell, you licked my cock that was on my chest. LOL!
We so need to do the video call again with or without drinking. I can't do vodka and lemonade but I can sure as hell do vodka and orange juice. Yummy! Screwdrivers!
Wanna screw me, babe?
You can always air fuck me, sweetheart! You're the only one allowed!
I love oyu. I'm still drunk. You look so cute sleeping. Haha... if you see my pink undies... I'm sorry. I got hot and kind of dressed down. LOL!
Night, love and thank you. *hugs and kisses*
Tiffy
PS remind me to change my display picture on here and facebook to the drunk makeup look! ROFL!
You're awesome. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise. Love you, night. ♥s
01:21 Aug 02 2010
Times Read: 1,125
Today has just been blah. I'm almost done with what I've set out to do. Almost. I have tonight to get through and a little bit tomorrow.
Spotless. Spotless. Spotless.
I'm utterly exhausted. I fell asleep a couple of times earlier but I haven't been sleeping much or too good.
I need to get back to the closet upstairs. I'm sorting through things that needed to be sorted out for a little while now.
Our bedroom needs vacuum and after that there's one spot I need to scrub on the carpet from where I knocked down an ashtray. I need to finish sorting through our closet. Bag up some of Aurora's stuffed animals for a little bit so the woman doesn't freak at how many she has. I need to vacuum and scrub the living room carpet and Aurora's one more time. The trash needs to be taken out. The kitchen floor mopped really quickly. The storage room and the laundry room sorted through.
*sighs* Sounds like a lot but it's not that much in all reality. I've already gotten more completed over the past few days. Ugh! I need to use bleach water on the counter in the kitchen to get the one kool-aid stain off.
I may try to leave some of this stuff for morning but I'm not entirely sure. I need sleep sometime but I need to get this all done and over with. She complained about us having so many boxes where I was sorting through things. Well, she can't say a word for boxes of winter clothes in the walk-in closet or holiday stuff in the storage room. *grumbles* I'm getting there. It's almost done.
I miss my Skids... and Rosco.
What's Bugging Me? Originally posted in the coven. =)
00:56 Aug 01 2010
Times Read: 962
Stupid cunt ass bitches that think there's a reason to always be in other people's fuckin' god damned business when they need to drown their old asses on fuckin' aged horse cum that was spiced up with cyanide.
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